 |
 |
|
January 29, 2009 by J.G. Clarence
Filed under Advice, Happiness, Love & Care, Men And Relationships, Relationship, Romantic
There’s a concept that I’ve come across in watching dating situations and relationships that is so wide-spread that it plays out almost EVERYWHERE.
Here’s what I see…
In virtually every relationship, there’s a cycle and a balance to it where one person is more dedicated or “into it” than the other.
And while this dynamic can ebb and flow and the roles can transfer back and forth, each relationship has a generally predictable pattern.
At the core of this idea is that love and desire have a very pronounced “balance” that can be thrown off by common behaviors in either men or women.
These common behaviors can be simplified or distilled into two distinct areas or roles.
The “Convincer” and the “Resistor” We’ve talked about the Convincer, so let me quickly describe the “resistor”. The Resistor is the “yin” to the Convincer’s “yang” and is naturally created or cast in the role because of the others’ convincing behaviors.
In other words, the resistor takes on RESISTANT and WITHDRAWING behavior because of the convincer. Resistance is a response to the pressure and the force inherent in the Convincer’s behavior. But it’s not just the convincer that can unsettle the “Relationship Balance”. If a man OR a woman begins to take on resistant behavior, it often draws the other into a Convincer role to accommodate for the distance and withdrawal.
So here’s an important point…. It takes one person to assume the role of Convincer or Resistor for the Relationship Balance to shift. So to build a clear and more defined model of the Relationship Balance, I call the person who first assumes one of these roles the “Initiator” and the other that ends up reacting the “Compensator”.
Put these together and it gives you 4 different possible combinations in the Relationship Balance.
- • Initiating Resistor
- • Compensating Resistor
- • Initiating Convincer
- • Compensating Convincer
OK… Now I want you to do something fun as a learning experience. Don’t worry… I’m not going to waste your time.
The insights women often gain from this are really big “Aha!” moments for them, so take 5-10 minutes here to focus on this stuff.
Here we go…
Take a few minutes to think about each of the 4 roles above and what they are all about until you’ve got the general idea.
Once you’ve got the general idea, take a deep breath, slow down your thoughts and visualize yourself talking to a man you’re in a relationship with about the future of your relationship.
It could be the man that you’re dating or someone you’re interested in and attracted to.
Now put yourself in one of the 4 roles above in your mind.
Now imagine the way this person (you in the role) communicates with the man, how she behaves and what her body language looks like. And now that you’ve got her in your mind think through a few questions…
- Did she initiate this conversation about the relationship and the future?
- What kind of attitude does she have? How confident is she?
- Is she pessimistic or optimistic when she’s talking to the man she’s with?
OK, now that you’ve thought through one of these 4 roles, go back and think through the other 3 roles. You should start to see the natural balance working in either direction between the man and the woman in the exercise and how each situation produces radically different feelings and sensations.
This is the powerful process of Cause and Effect in action. So let me ask you… which role gave you the most comfortable and fulfilling experience?
Which one was the most difficult or awkward? Interesting, huh…
The most interesting and insightful role I see in the Relationship Balance is where the unbalancing process has women as the “Compensating Convincer”. The following story shows how women usually step into this role.
A man and woman are dating. The woman is mature and more emotionally available than the man so she arrives at wanting something more with the man. The man doesn’t agree or want the same thing yet. She tries to convince him and she becomes the Convincer.
The man becomes the Resistor and is put in a psychological position of control because he’s the one who has been given the decision making power to say yes or no by the woman’s convincing behavior.
As a result, the woman becomes frustrated and upset and she displays intense emotions that appear negative and pressuring to the man. The man closes off and withdraws. He begins to feel pressure and guilt and he continues to resist even more.
The man’s resistance frustrates the woman, and because of this, her desire to get her own way escalates and she works harder at convincing even though she’s not conscious of it. And the entire cycle continues to escalate emotionally.
Ok, end of story…
Has this ever happened to you with a man?
The more you try and talk and get him to listen to what you want, the more he grows distant and stops communicating. So naturally you get frustrated and hurt, which only seems to fuel the fire for his avoidance and disinterest in the future.
The thing is, NOTHING makes a man act distant faster than a woman pleading or pressuring him for a longer-term decision through weak or hurt emotional displays. But the worst part of being a convincer is that it can ultimately, after time, begin to kill the interest and attraction a man feels for you.
It doesn’t make sense - but that’s how it works. A fascinating book that touches on the relationship dynamics by Convincers is “The Passion Paradox” by Dean C. Delis, Ph. D. He talks about what happens when one person is more “emotionally invested” than the other person. This book talks about the dynamics of wanting and getting—the more someone wants from their partner, the less the partner feels like giving.
It’s always interesting to turn things around and imagine a man in the role of the Convincing Compensator. You’ve probably seen it because it’s pretty textbook behavior—it comes out in behavior through things like inappropriate gift giving, calling too much or generally trying too hard to be liked.
Have you ever had a guy try to convince you into dating or into a relationship you weren’t interested in? Then when you didn’t express too much interest he came on even stronger.
I’ll bet you were NOT suddenly taken with him because of his courting behavior and pleadings, right?
Actually, you were probably repelled by everything that he did instead of becoming more attracted to him. Hmmm… Interesting.
Related On Steadybaby.com Posts:
Related Content From Other Sources....
Visited 489 times, 1 so far today
