 |
 |
|
January 31, 2009 by J.G. Clarence
Filed under Confidence Dating, Dating advice, Men, Men And Relationships, Relationship
By Christian Carter
Let’s start off with the inside scoop on men.
Everything you’ll read here has come from years of research, observation, self-observation, and a long time learning process from other experts in the world on topics such as psychology, human behavior, communication, attraction, evolution, biology, physiology, human sexuality and more.
Of course men have their differences, but I think that as a group men have a whole lot in common when it comes to their psychology, behavior, and emotional state.
Look at how men like to watch sports, read Maxim Magazine, talk about their new car or boat, and act competitively with each other. Women would go nuts if they were stuck doing these things all day, but men would be in hog heaven.
Listen… If you’re thinking that men don’t make any sense right now – YOU’RE RIGHT. So don’t try to make sense of what a man does, feels, and says. Men have been, and always will be, “wired” differently than women.
The sooner you get that men are different, the sooner you’ll start to see the secrets to attracting a man and keeping him committed in the relationship.
For most women, dating a man is like looking at an iceberg. Much of what’s there is below the surface where you can’t see it.
The behavior and communication you get from a man is what I call the “outer world” and it doesn’t show what’s actually going on underneath the surface in the “inner world” of psychology and emotions.
Men have been practicing their whole lives to hide their “inner world”. They’ve been conditioned to hide or ignore their emotions for most of their lives.
So it should come as no surprise that lots of men are completely out of touch and unaware of their inner world when it comes to dating and relationships.
The Inner World
Most men don’t have a picture of a perfect long term relationship in their mind - at least not one that would make sense to a woman. With most men, they’re making it up as they go along.
It’s rare to find a single, attractive, and successful man. And it’s even rarer to find a man with these qualities who ALSO wants to settle down in the near future. And the rarest of all these is a man who’s ready to commit to a relationship or marriage within the same time frame that a woman might want.
90% of men’s goals might be summed up as “stay single until I find some reason to settle down”. But most men don’t have any earthly idea of what makes a good reason to settle down.
I mean, how often do you hear men sitting around watching the ball game, drinking a beer and talking about how they want their relationship to progress and bring them more fulfillment and satisfaction for the long-term? About as often as you win the lottery.
But I know you’ve heard the men you know sit around and talk about sports, their work, the cool new phone they got, their friend’s new car or truck. You know, “guy talk”.
In other words, men and women have different ways of thinking about and being together and communicating. Women believe that most men have a huge weakness because they can’t get in touch with their “inner world” of feelings, emotions, and meaning.
So if a man doesn’t think much about his “inner world”, how do you ever expect him to give you a clear answer about something as emotionally complex as your relationship?
But women often ask men about their feelings out of the clear blue and expect a great response about how much he cares about her. Hello! It’s about as surprising as a traffic jam in rush hour that the answers men usually give in this situation aren’t what the woman would want to hear.
You’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect men to easily express their inner world.
The “Male” Role
Let’s talk about how and why men express their feelings differently from women. The world around us plays a large part in how our “inner world” develops and is allowed to express itself. Our society has thousands of rules, manners, and other expected behaviors.
I see that women experience the more difficult majority of these limiting social “roles”reflected in things such as sexism in the workplace. If you look at the limiting social rules for men, you’ll see a ton of them that aim to keep men from acknowledging or embracing their emotions.
And forget about men expressing their emotions frankly and openly. It’s an unspoken norm that men don’t do this openly. And only in the last several years has it become main-stream and OK for men to explore and communicate their deeper emotions and experiences. There just weren’t any books for men about relationships and their emotional world 10 years ago – it was taboo.
Kind of like going to therapy in the 80’s – it was just for “crackpots”.
From a young age most men are taught that to be socially successful is to control, avoid, and restrain their emotions. There’s some fascinating research on the differences between how men and women express their emotions.
Several studies show that mothers expose their infant daughters to a wider range of emotions than they do their infant sons.
Mothers also work harder to control and limit the emotional ups and downs of their sons.
Fathers play a part too. They rough-house with their sons, but they interact in more emotional terms with their daughters. As kids get older, both parents keep the gender biases by discouraging sons from vulnerable emotions and encouraging them with daughters.
Have you ever seen the situation where a guy won’t admit to his friends that he has a girlfriend or a woman he’s interested in?
What’s going on here? In most cases it’s not just him being shy. Most men expect other men to avoid showing any emotional sensitivity or being in touch with their feelings – especially in a way that women can relate to.
If a man shows this, he’s ridiculed by other men as not manly or masculine. Men LOVE to do this with each other when they’re hanging out together in groups.
What’s happening is that they’re reinforcing the stereotypical social role of men as “tough” characters that have little inner-emotional experience. It’s as though men get to a place where they’re largely unaffected emotionally by the outside world.
Can you say “unavailable”…
So, in the interest of what matters, here’s some important truths:
- Truth #1: Changing your perspective on someone is the best way to help them change their perspective on you.
- Truth #2: Nothing will change in your life until you change your own BEHAVIOR.
- Truth #3: The ONLY way to actually change your behavior is to change your mindset or perspective.
Related On Steadybaby.com Posts:
Related Content From Other Sources....
Visited 4653 times, 8 so far today
